You’re Stronger Than You Think:

At Soul Mental Health we want you to know how valuable you are, that’s why we want you to know the You’re Stronger Than You Think:

Within each of us are powers and abilities we underestimate, but which can carry us through many challenges.

1. Imperfection
Invulnerability is a classic superpower, but in real life pretending to have it tends to backfire. Instead, those who make mistakes, and let others know it, are better liked and often more successful. 

Connection has always been a basic human need. To achieve it, many people assume they need to put their best self forward, never make mistakes or blunders, and always know the right thing to say. This pressure can lead to stress as people second-guess their presentation, their actions, and their words. Research, however, suggests that such effort may not be worth it.

In classic studies on what came to be called the “pratfall effect,” social psychologist Elliot Aronson showed that people who demonstrated high levels of skill in trivia challenges but also committed minor blunders—say, spilling coffee on themselves—were rated more likable by others than similarly skilled people who made no such stumbles.

This research shows that it’s not only OK to be fallible, it can actually benefit us. Perfection is not something that other people find endearing. Being vulnerable is: When we see that others have flaws, we feel that we understand them better and can connect with them.

In your own life, this and other research suggests, it’s important not to get wrapped up in what you think will make you likable—because you’re probably wrong about it. Sometimes, in fact, the things we dislike the most about ourselves are the most endearing to others. (It works both ways: Sometimes what we like about ourselves isn’t necessarily a quality others appreciate.) Instead of acting in a way that you think increases your appeal, drop the armor, be your genuine self, and let people discover what they like most about you.

 

2. Generativity

We often imagine that putting others before ourselves is a sign of weakness, but research suggests it’s actually a stealth superpower: The most “generative” people have better long-term well-being than others.

It’s often thought that feeling good about yourself derives from being able to look back with pride on your accomplishments, no matter how modest or grand. This focus on individual happiness is often referred to as “eudaimonic” well-being. But there’s another type of well-being that may be more important: Generativity, based on the belief that it’s important to care for others, specifically the next generation. People high in this trait are able to put themselves second, and research suggests that it is this cohort who feel more profoundly fulfilled as they progress through life.

In a recent study of generativity and well-being investigated 271 participants in the Rochester Adult Longitudinal Study (RALS) across a 12-year period, from 2000 to 2012. The findings supported our prediction that people who became more generative over time also grew in their sense of personal fulfillment. Those who didn’t, on the other hand, had a declining sense of overall well-being.

If your well-being hinges on your sense of generativity, what can you do to enhance it? By definition, when you are highly generative, you care for the next generation. But need those you care for always be younger than you? Couldn’t you express your desire to care for people of your own generation? What about caring for people older than you?

The benefit derived from putting other people before yourself counters the idea that well-being can come only from that eudaimonic feeling of achieving your own personal goals. 

 

3. Routine
Sticking to a daily routine can be viewed as rigid and unimaginative. To the contrary, research suggests that routine frees us from overthinking, improves mental health, and can, in fact, foster creativity.

Motivation can be a powerful driver, but it is also fleeting and unreliable. Just consider the last time you felt motivated and how long it lasted. The truth is that it is more useful to have daily routines in place to help us achieve our goals. Imagine a heart surgeon who told you, “I can operate well—when I feel motivated.” You would not risk your health on the hope that this doctor felt motivated on the day of your procedure. Better to have your surgery done by someone who has routines in place that ensure her success regardless of how she feels.

Two recent studies tie both primary routines (hygiene, sleep, eating) and secondary routines (social activities, work) to better mental health. Studies of both athletes and nonathletes have found that routines benefit performance by reducing overthinking, which tends to foster stress and pressure. And research on rituals, or regular sets of actions that we do consistently, finds that they mitigate against stress and anxiety because they foster a sense of control. Observe some of the most successful people you know, however you define it, and you will probably notice strong daily routines that result in positive outcomes over time—and more robust mental health as well.

 

4. Persuasion
We assume we don’t have much influence over others, even those closest to us, but studies show we’re more powerful than we think.

When you want to convince another person to do something, the first factor you probably consider is how likely they are to agree. Such thinking can discourage you from attempting to influence them at all, and that would be a mistake because research shows your sphere of influence may be much larger than you imagine. No matter whom you’re trying to convince, you’re probably more persuasive than you believe.

For example, we generally feel more comfortable asking a friend rather than a stranger to, say, sponsor us in a charitable fundraising effort or help us with a task. But recent research found that while we tend to think our friends will be more amenable to our requests, strangers are almost equally willing to pitch in.

A growing body of research has found that not only do we have bigger social networks than we think, and are more central to those networks than we realize, but we also have more influence over more types of people. This all suggests that when you have something to ask or say, people may very well be willing to listen to you.

 

5. Satisfaction

The ability to be happy with who you are, where you are, and what you have is a power that those who are never satisfied may want to emulate.

Our classic narratives of success are heavily defined by achievement, acquisitions, and upward mobility. Those who don’t subscribe to these narratives are often cast as “losers.” Yet a body of research shows that the so-called winners are no happier. In fact, according to several studies, outer-directed measures of success are actually less correlated with contentment and life satisfaction than inner-directed ones.

I propose an alternative narrative of success that is more likely to lead to happiness than the one we have been taught to embrace. Those who prioritize inner-directed success know this path. They avoid comparisons to others, knowing that stacking your achievements, no matter how significant, against those of everyone else is an unwinnable proposition. They have a holistic view of themselves, taking their self-worth from a consideration of themselves as complete, unique individuals, and knowing that no one can be more successful at being you than you. They celebrate their victories, no matter how big or small, and accept failures, learning lessons and moving on. And they prioritize relationships, inherently knowing that humans are social organisms and that success can and should be defined by how we relate to others and, ideally, improve their lives.

 

6. Nostalgia

Letting our minds wander to the past can be guilt-inducing, but it shouldn’t be: Fond, nostalgic memories can boost our mood and make us feel whole.

With the challenges of the present moment and an uncertain future ahead, the past has never looked better. However, indulging a fondness for the past runs counter to popular advice. We’re routinely admonished not to “live in the past.” But is escaping into the past really such a bad thing, especially now?

When our minds wander back to a previous time, we don’t remember things exactly as they happened. Memory is our brain’s attempt at connecting us with the past—attempt being the key word. We don’t go through life with a Record button on, and when we conjure up a memory, we’re not hitting Replay. Memory is a highly inaccurate reconstruction of our past, painted with a broad brush that tends to gloss over many negative details. That’s why nostalgia can often deliver a warm feeling.

Engaging in nostalgia also appears to have some direct mental health benefits, such as reducing cortisol levels associated with the body’s acute stress response. Further, research suggests that a tendency to nostalgize can be a protective factor against depression and anxiety. One study found that recalling specific positive life experiences was especially valuable for individuals who had experienced early-life trauma.

Nostalgia, then, can carry immense benefits. As Gabriel García Marquez put it, “No matter what, nobody can take away the dances you’ve already had.” Today, such memories may be more important than ever.

 

7. Hope

The power to access the belief that things can get better, no matter the challenges, can quite literally change the world.

Few people would use the word “hopeful” to describe the state of our world today, but we also know that hope can exist even in the midst of pain. Essayist and activist Rebecca Solnit wrote, “Your opponents would love you to believe that it’s hopeless, that you have no power, that there’s no reason to act, that you can’t win. Hope is a gift you don’t have to surrender, a power you don’t have to throw away.”

Hope is a perception but one that gives us the power to create reality. It’s a perception of something that does not yet exist. And research shows that when people have hope, their goals are actually more likely to become reality. That’s because when people have a clear belief about what is possible, they’re more likely to take steps to make it happen.

You may have heard the expression, “Hope is not a strategy.” Don’t believe it: Hope is a way of thinking that pushes us to take action. Research by C. R. Snyder found that most hopeful people had three things in common: goals, pathways (strategies), and agency. They were under no illusions that all their strategies would work; they tended to try multiple pathways, realizing that many would be blocked. But they persisted because they had an abiding belief in themselves and their capabilities.

 

8. Daydreaming

There are probably times during the day when your mind wanders and spends a few minutes imagining things you know are not real. Should that worry you? There is some evidence that mind-wandering hinders reading comprehension and performance on aptitude tests. Such consequences, however, must be weighed against growing evidence that mind-wandering also significantly benefits core psychological and emotional processes like autobiographical planning and creative problem-solving. It seems that most of us are fully aware that we concentrate less when we daydream but that this is a price we’re willing to pay.

In a situation where I don’t need to concentrate, I am happy to let my attention drift. I might even enjoy a mildly subversive thrill as my thoughts flutter away. We plan our life in daydreams, and while the future we imagine might be overly optimistic, the practice is still productive and forward-looking. Even better, by releasing us from the pesky constraints of reality, daydreams allow us to think more creatively about the problems of today and the possibilities of tomorrow. This facilitates imagination, problem-solving, and the ability to reach conclusions our rational minds might never permit if we were concentrating fully. Brain-scan studies have found that, contrary to expectations, our brains are more active when our minds wander than when we are focused on routine tasks. It had previously been thought that the only part of the brain active during daydreams was the “default network,” which is associated with low-level, routine mental activity. This research, however, revealed that the brain’s “executive network,” concerned with complex, high-level problem-solving, is also activated when we daydream. Far from idle, then, our minds are actually hyper-active when they drift away.

Such findings suggest increasing the value we place on daydreaming. We might lose focus on the task we set out to do, but that may just be the brain’s way of telling us it has more important things to think about: relationships, goals, or valuable general reflection. We could even benefit by consciously carving out some time and space to allow our mind to wander and see where it takes us.

 

9. Restlessness

When boredom sets in, staying in one place can be bad for our mental health. Those with an urge to get out and enjoy new and different experiences may have a distinct advantage.

One of the hardest things about the Covid-19 pandemic is that it has limited our ability to pursue new experiences. The loss of engagement in our usual environments can undoubtedly endanger mental health, but those who have been able to immerse themselves in new hobbies, goals, or even walking routes have found the activities to be beneficial and refreshing. Research shows that experiential diversity—going to new (or at least different) places and engaging in different experiences—can improve well-being. This principle is intuitive: Most of us would agree that going on vacation, or just finding different activities to do every day, makes us happier.

For a recent study, where daily movement was examined, it was determined that positive emotions were higher in daily exposure with novelties in experiential diversity and positive affect, associating the former with well-being. Also that experiential diversity was associated not only with more positive emotions but also with more novel and diverse experiences the next day. In other words, it created a positive feedback loop, or “upward spiral,” that promoted more positive emotions. The MRIs found that the degree to which neural regions important for memory and environmental reward/novelty processing work together is associated with the relationship between experiential diversity and positive emotions.

Those who can engage in new and diverse experiences may enjoy lasting benefits. Devoting time to such activities, especially in different places, may deliver a significant upward spiral of good feeling.

 

For Psychology Today Magazine.